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Shopping for the redneck in your life

By Kaye Fish | The News Herald

Published: December 15, 2008

It's Dec. 14 and we are starting to get a little too close to the deadline. Christmas shopping can be a difficult process, especially when buying for family members who already seem to have everything. Allow me to offer some helpful suggestions to anyone who has redneck relatives, and you are clueless what to buy.
Fact No. 1: All rednecks are very patriotic. For this reason, I would suggest anything with an American flag or an eagle on it. If you want your relative to burst with patriotic pride, get him a statue of an eagle holding an American flag in its beak. Southern pride also can be categorized as patriotic. There is a smorgasbord of flea markets around that have a copious amount of confederate flag covered knickknacks, and several different commemorative Lynyrd Skynyrd concert tees. Rest in peace, Ronnie Van Zant.
Fact No. 2: All rednecks believe themselves to be at least 1/16 Native American; therefore, a nice blanket with a wolf howling at the moon would make a fabulous wall tapestry.
Fact No. 3: All rednecks appreciate fine art. Anything that can be shot, stuffed and mounted on the wall is a fail-proof Christmas gift. And for the higher class redneck, a painting of said creature on velvet would definitely be hung right above the headboard.
Fact No. 4: All rednecks are inexplicably proud to display a number of rolls of toilet paper in their bathrooms on various decorative toilet paper holder thingamabobs. Depending on how tall the pole is that is mounted to one of the aforementioned creatures in fact No. 3, a redneck could buy the economy pack of toilet paper and display all 24 rolls on one single holder. The sight would be awe inspiring.
Fact No. 5: Rednecks love to eat, but don't waste your time and money on fruit cake or a fruit basket. Instead, personalize the redneck goody basket with only useful items. These would include: pork rinds, pickled eggs, pickled pig's feet, (basically anything pickled will do) Vienna sausages, beef jerky, Texas Pete, Copenhagen, a six pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon, a bottle of Jack Daniels and a cartoon of Winston. (Unless they are trying to cut back, in which case you should get Winston Lights)
Fact No. 6: Few rednecks can get through the holidays without at least one fire. When Cousin Billy Bob insists on deep frying the turkey in a homemade deep fryer in the backyard, you would be wise to be standing nearby with a fire extinguisher. If you make it through the deep fried turkey, chances are Billy Bob will need it in March when his dead Christmas tree catches fire. A fire extinguisher can be the gift of life, folks.
Merry Christmas and happy holiday shopping.

Kaye Fish lives in Morganton and writes for Gab.