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Caught between two cultures - American and Hmong

Julie N. Chang

By Julie N. Chang | The News Herald

Published: January 9, 2009

It seems that every time I turn around these days someone I know is getting married or getting engaged.

Then around Christmas, my older brother became engaged to his long-time girlfriend. This was news to me, especially since I found out via Facebook, my generation's favorite means of communication.

My brother and his fiancee are choosing to have a classic "American" wedding, but this made me start thinking: when I get married would I have a white poofy dress and the trappings or would I have a traditional Hmong wedding?

First, I decided to find out a little more about Hmong weddings from my parents.

My father is a mej koob, a man (never a woman) who negotiates the terms of the marriage "contract." For simplicity I'll call him a marriage broker.

He explained to me that there are four methods of getting married in the Hmong culture.

The first is arranged marriages, which to me sound archaic. These are not very popular but still occur in the U.S. Hmong population.

A second method involves the groom's parents asking the bride's parents for permission for their children to wed. This also is not a popular method as the bride's dowry, nqi mis nqi hno, can increase significantly. In the Hmong culture the groom pays a dowry for the bride.

In the third method, the groom "kidnaps" the bride against her will. The groom sends a messenger to the bride's parents alerting them of her location.

If the parents disapprove they may retrieve their daughter. If they approve, the couple stays together for three days. After that time, they return to the bride's parents to begin negotiating the dowry.

The unwilling bride may express her continued dislike of the groom and negate the wedding. If her parents choose to allow the wedding to proceed, the daughter is left with no choice.

In the fourth, and most popular method, the groom and the bride consensually "run away" together.

Similar to the kidnapping method, the groom sends a messenger to let the parents know of their daughter's whereabouts.

As soon as the couple arrives at the groom's home, the groom's parents lwb qaib, a practice where a live chicken is used to ward off bad spirits.

Again the couple spend three days together at the groom's home. On the fourth day the wedding party sets off to begin the negotiations at the bride's home.

The wedding party consists of six people: the bride, bridesmaid, groom, groomsman and depending on which dialect you speak, either two mej koob or one mej koob and a ris nra, a musician.

The two most popular dialects are Hmoob dawb (two brokers) or Hmoob lees (one broker and a musician).

The groom's dialect dictates the traditional Hmong clothing the couple wears to the bride's home that day.

The groom and the bride's parents each have mej koob, who negotiate the price of the bride's dowry. The dowry may run into the thousands of dollars.

Later on, once the couple is married, the bride's parents are required to gift the couple with money to start their life together. This is not discussed between the brokers, but is a decision the parents make separately.

During the negotiation, the bride's parents may still reject the groom's offer, but once a deal is struck, the pair is officially married.

From here celebrations abound. Either set of parents host a feast for the couple. This can occur anytime after the negotiations, but it is most popularly held the next day. It can be held a year later if they choose.

The celebration must serve food from a freshly slain pig. The pig isn't killed at the ceremony, but the pig must have been slaughtered that day.

In a final ceremony, the groom and groomsman bow down to the master of ceremonies as he asks them to honor the bride's parents and family.

The grooms and groomsman must be perpendicular to the building with their backs to the front door during this ceremony.

The bridesmaid, but not the bride, and all men in attendance at the wedding take a shot of liquor to celebrate the occasion.

Afterward both sets of parents host a private dinner to thank their mej koob.

This all boggled my mind, since as a child I only learned the bare minimum: you run away for three days, the groom pays a dowry and you celebrate.

Although I laughed at the absurdity of my father's explanations, I also realize the importance of maintaining a culture that is little known across the U.S.

I'm going to wait to make a decision on what kind of wedding I'll have. First comes the hard part: finding Mr. Right.

Julie Chang is a reporter for The News Herald. E-mail jchang@morganton.com.