It'd be easier to ban ignorance

My eighth grade daughter, Katie, is reading a John Steinbeck novel for her language arts class. I remember reading "The Red Pony" many years ago, but as a high school teacher, it is not a Steinbeck novel we teach in American Literature. I could discuss "Of Mice and Men" or "The Grapes of Wrath" with her, but when she asked me a question about "The Red Pony," I couldn't quite remember what the story was about. I thought I'd go to the trusty old Internet and see if I could jog my memory a bit. I did a Google search and found a story about a school in Somewhere Stupidville, USA that had banned the book because it was described as a "filthy, trashy sex novel." .... REALLY? "I guess," I thought, "I might need to read this book again." Well, you know, I have to protect my daughter's delicate mind from some filthy, trashy sex novel.
"Let me borrow that book, Katie."
"I'm reading it."
"Oh, come on. Let me see it. You can do your algebra or something."
She rolled her eyes and gave me the book.
Plot synopsis... boy gets horse, horse dies, boy gets another horse, takes horse to ... HERE IT IS ... He takes the horse, Nellie, to have her b-r-e-d, horse becomes p-r-e-g-n-a-n-t, horse dies giving birth, yada yada yada. All I gathered from Steinbeck's "The Red Pony" is that Steinbeck may have hated horses, and there's just way too much horse prejudice in this world to poison children's minds with that garbage. I have a solution for book banners of the world. Let's go back to teaching the kids some good old-fashioned fairy tales. How about Snow White? You can read this story to your child at bedtime ...
Once upon a time, Snow White's mother kicks the bucket before Snow White has a chance to get to know her, and of course, her scatterbrained father marries a wicked witch of a stepmother. By the time Snow is at the ripe age of 7, Stepmom wishes she had Botox strong enough to make her as good looking as her stepdaughter. By the time young Snow is 12, Stepmommy is so jealous of her waifish runway model looks that she sends her toady out to have her whacked. The toady chickens out, slaughters a baby bear (who cares about bears?) and cuts out its heart and takes it to Mrs. White No. 2. Step witch takes the heart that she thinks belongs to Snow and sautes it in a little butter and garlic and has it for dinner. (What's wrong with a little cannibalism?) In the meantime, Snow breaks into somebody's house and steals food from them then passes out before they get home. Shortly there after, seven grown, however vertically challenged, unmarried m-e-n come home and find this chick in their house and they decide to keep her. (Wait a minute. Why are seven grown, however vertically challenged, men living together in one house? I smell a rat and it looks and sounds like Richard Simmons.) But the fellas decide Snow can stay if she cooks and cleans for them. (Sounds like child labor to me.) As it turns out, Stepmom has an informant, a magic mirror, (mysticism and the occult?) who tells her that Snow White is still alive. So Stepmom tries several different ways to kill her. When choking her doesn't work, she finally convinces the naive child to eat a poison apple even though any kid should know not to let a stranger in the house, much less accept food from them. Fortunately, a prince, a pedophile with tendencies for necrophilia, comes along, sees the dead child, decides he has to have her, so he takes her casket. While toting his little dead girl home, he drops the casket and the delicate piece of apple that killed her flies out of her mouth and she wakes up. The Prince marries his child bride and when Stepmommy finds out, she goes to their house and tries to stir up trouble. They should have taken out a restraining order, but instead, they placed iron slippers upon the fire, fished them out with tongs and set them before Stepmom. Then she was forced to put on the red-hot shoes and dance until she dropped down dead. The End.
Whew! It might be easier to ban ignorance instead of books. Maybe we should force book banners to read the dictionary. But not the American Heritage Dictionary. That smut's been banned.

Kaye Fish is a local columnist for Gab. E-mail news@morganton.com.