10 New Year's resolutions for him

By: Kaye Fish | Morganton News Herald
Published: January 09, 2009

Apparently I have some folks mad at me for what one gentlemen pointed out as "making fun of my own race." Redneck. My cousin is upset with me because she had only one more hole on her card to get punched before she could get a free tattoo, but the tattoo parlor refused to do business with her anymore when they found out she was related to me. I'm sorry, Erlene, I promise from now on I will only make fun of those people who just beg to be made fun of ... men. I promise to make fun of all men regardless of race, creed or which race car driver they pull for.
Let me start with the easiest target. My husband. Over the recent holidays, he felt the need to bring in every pie, cake, cookie and deep fried fatty fat confection that wasn't nailed down. While he can eat like a gestating elephant with the munchies and keep a flat stomach, I can inhale the vapors of a Sara Lee cheesecake and feel my Hanes Her Way start to cut off my circulation. I announced on Jan. 1, the way millions of women around the world always do on New Year's Day, that I was now on a diet. I had no more made this proclamation when he said, "Let's order a pizza." It's like I'm talking to a wall. While I glared at him and ate my carrot sticks, he consumed an entire meat lovers pizza while channel surfing between ESPN, CNN and, when he was feeling really wild and spontaneous, VH1.
I made the same resolutions I always make. Lose weight, exercise every day, eat healthier, drink less on days that don't end with the letter y and get completely organized. I will write all these things down as soon as I find my appointment book, and finish this one last Little Debbie Cake which I plan to wash down with a glass of merlot. (My doctor says red wine is good for my heart). And to help my husband, and all other men who wish to improve themselves, I am going to write his New Year's Resolutions for him.
Every Man's Perfect New Year's Resolutions
1. I will get in touch with my feminine side and watch Steele Magnolias, When Harry Met Sally and Sleepless in Seattle with my wife instead of watching football.
2. I will be more like Tom Hanks in Sleepless in Seattle.
3. I will put the toilet seat back down every time I use it so that my wife, the woman for whom I live, will not fall in in the middle of the night.
4. I will hire a man to clean the house who looks like Brad Pitt.
5. I will give my wife a shoulder massage without letting my hands go any lower.
6. I will clean the sink whenever I shave and brush my teeth so it doesn't look like I am trying to create a new ecosystem for a science project.
7. When riding in the car with my wife and she turns up the radio and says, "oooh! I love this song." I will not turn it down to talk about the Dow Jones Industrial Index.
8. I will learn not to say, "Do you really NEED another pair of shoes?"
9. I will, after 20 years of marriage, learn how to purchase feminine hygiene products without confusion.
AND
10. I will learn to pick a restaurant for a romantic night out without discussing the aesthetic value of a good cheeseburger at Hooters.