Unraveling the secrets of relationships

While faking a good workout at the gym recently, I overhead two gentlemen lightly complaining about women. "That's why," the hairy one said, "I am still single." Maybe, I thought, but have learned not to say out loud that you're still single because you just don't understand women.
I know there are things we do that men just don't understand, and we don't always explain ourselves when we confuse them. Never fear. Today I am going to unravel the secrets of the universe so relationships between men and women everywhere will benefit, and the world will be a kinder, gentler place.
Scenario No. 1: The two of you are driving by a fast-food restaurant and she says, "I'm hungry. Let's get something to eat." So you, dutiful husband or significant other, pull into the drive-thru and she says, "What are you getting?" and you say, "Nothing, I'm not hungry." Then she says, "Well, if you're not eating, then neither am I!"
Instead of letting this drive you crazy, you have to understand that if she gets a burger and you don't, then you make her look fat.
And while we are on the subject of fat, here are a couple other fat scenarios.
Scenario No. 2: You are in a restaurant and you are looking at the menu and you say, "Why don't we get the Honking Big Boy Appetizer for 12 and split it?"
No, no, no. Never ever suggest that you split anything with her. She will read this as your way of saying that she is fat and shouldn't eat the entire Honking Big Boy Appetizer for 12 all by herself.
You may be just trying to save money because you are cheap, or to emphasize that you think she is so dainty that she couldn't possibly eat the Honking Big Boy Appetizer for 12 all by herself, but she will read it as your trying to control her portions.
When she takes home the Styrofoam box full of enough appetizers for a party of 11, be satisfied that when she throws it out in two weeks you never once made her feel fat.
Also, you must tell her what you are going to order and stick to that decision when the server comes to the table so she won't order a bigger meal and then worry that the waiter or waitress thinks she eats like Oprah on hiatus.
Scenario No. 3: She says, "I have nothing to wear." This means she has nothing to wear that is appropriate for where you are going. So what if she has two closets full of clothes? She cannot wear that bride's-maid dress and her tiara to a movie. And that would be the movie where you must get her her own popcorn and her own diet soda that counteracts the jumbo tub of popcorn she may or may not finish. Also, keep your hand out of her popcorn and get your own.
Scenario No. 4: Like the bride's-maid dress she cannot get rid of for sentimental reasons, never suggest that she get rid of the jeans she can no longer zip even if she lies down on the bed and tries to zip them with the pliers. This suggests to her that you think she will never get back in those tiny denim symbols of her pre-baby days. She will wear them again. Have faith in her.
Scenario No. 5: While we women claim to be liberated and able to take care of ourselves in any situation, know that there are certain things you are just expected to do because your man genes dictate that you have to. If the oil light is on when you get in her car and she says, "Oh that thing? That's been on for about a week," don't get angry that she didn't tell you. Check the oil, fill up the tank, check all those fluids that have dipsticks and the air pressure in the tires. That's what you do best. Besides, her daddy always did that for her.
Remember, you don't go around dressed like a dork, because it's her job to pick out clothes for you and keep them smelling like Downy, the cologne of all married men.
Scenario No. 6: Let's face it, she is late for everything she does. You run late for almost everything because of her, but there is one time when you are not allowed to be late. It's for church. Especially if you are Baptist. She chose that pew and marked it as her territory years ago. There are probably grooves in it that would mold to the shape of your family's bodies. Imagine the horror if a visitor shows up and takes her pew. You can't be late for church because not only is God looking, everybody else in the whole church is, too, and they all turn and look at who comes in late. It's OK to be late for say, a basketball game, because making an entrance is a good thing for her. But not in the house of the Lord. Have that car warmed up and ready to go with a good 20 minutes to spare today and have a relaxing Sunday with the little woman.
You're welcome.